Why Doesn’t Everyone Have a Peer Group?

I’m proud to march shoulder-to-shoulder with leaders like Leo Bottary, and honored that he invited me to write the foreword to his foundational work on peer groups, “What Anyone Can Do.” A few years on, the questions it raises feel more urgent than ever. I’ve reprinted my foreword below, exactly as it was published.

- If you don’t go to somebody’s funeral, they won’t come to yours. — Yogi Berra

The issues Leo Bottary explores in these pages have been central to shaping both my personal and my professional life. When I was thirty years old I became CEO of a startup called M5 Networks, a company that would eventually grow to employ more than 200 people. The job was a dream come true for me, but I lived in fear that our board would replace me with someone more experienced as the company became increasingly successful. I was keenly aware that, as the person in charge, my company would only grow as fast as I did. So, I set off on a path of personal development. I read books, hired coaches, brought in consultants, and took courses. But none of these things helped me develop in the job more than joining a circle of peer CEOs.

- If you don’t go to somebody’s funeral, they won’t come to yours. — Yogi Berra

The issues Leo Bottary explores in these pages have been central to shaping both my personal and my professional life. When I was thirty years old I became CEO of a startup called M5 Networks, a company that would eventually grow to employ more than 200 people. The job was a dream come true for me, but I lived in fear that our board would replace me with someone more experienced as the company became increasingly successful. I was keenly aware that, as the person in charge, my company would only grow as fast as I did. So, I set off on a path of personal development. I read books, hired coaches, brought in consultants, and took courses. But none of these things helped me develop in the job more than joining a circle of peer CEOs.

In 2008, I faced one of the toughest challenges of my life. My dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Simultaneously, the economy crashed. I found myself responsible for the livelihoods of my employees, the trust of my customers, and the welfare of my family, all as I dealt with this personal struggle in the background. This is not a case study that business schools teach. Throughout it all, my peer group became my backbone. With honesty and vulnerability, they helped me navigate this difficult period and uncover what it meant to lead.

I went on to sell M5, but peer circles have remained central to my life. I am an active member of three different peer groups: the Entrepreneurs’ Organization (EO), Young Presidents’ Organization (YPO), and the Henry Crown Fellowship. Now, as I move on to the next stage in my life, I have started Circles to try to bring the power of peer support to everyone.

Robert Putnam, in his seminal work Bowling Alone, documented, “Without at first noticing, we’ve been pulled apart from our communities and each other over the last third of the century.” Technological innovations over the past ten years have compounded this problem. The Internet is tricking us in two ways. First, we’re connected to more people, but these connections tend to be shallow. Many find it easier to feel satisfaction by ranking up friends and likes, yet it is harder to look up from the screen into someone’s eyes. This tendency is playing out at work, too. Information systems allow us to manage increasingly large and complex hierarchies of people. Video and physical conference rooms are stuffed with collaborators. But people are multitasking, distracted, and recoiling during meetings instead of capturing the magic of being a team. We have never been more connected, yet we have never acted more alone.

Second, more information does not mean more knowledge. Daily, we confront a tsunami of content. Facing our inboxes is like being stuck in a never-ending game of Space Invaders. Updates about our cat’s funny dance somehow seem worth pushing to thousands of friends. We’re marketing to each other, rarely conversing. Our educational system is changing slowly from an industrial and individualistic model, and gaps are widening between the workforce’s skills and the way we need to work.

Much has been written about how these changes show up in the political and economic divides we see play out in the news. But it is harder to put our finger on how the changes impact our homes and offices. There’s some data. Writing in 2014, political commentator David Brooks summarized two studies that showed that American adults reported an average of three close friends in 1985 but only two by 2004. According to the Conference Board, only 52.3% of Americans now like their jobs, down from 61.1% thirty years ago.

The good news is that a few leaders are pouring energy into reversing these trends. What Anyone Can Do is a great first step toward change. Leo Bottary has collected stories of people rejecting the John Wayne go-it-alone approach, taking off their masks, and opening up to one another. They are reclaiming the power of conversation. He’s busting the “lone ranger” myth and shining a light on the personal and professional teams behind these everyday success stories. He’s documenting the stark difference between traditional classrooms that line students up in rows and environments in which structured conversations with peers lead to deep learning. And he’s collected in one place the best practices that make it easy for anyone to reap the rewards of this approach to work and life.

I hope that, by the end of this book, you’ll ask yourself the same question I have been asking with Circles: “Why doesn’t everyone have a peer group?” This question could not only have a profound impact for you on a personal level, it could fundamentally shift the way we all work with and learn from one another.

In 2008, I faced one of the toughest challenges of my life. My dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Simultaneously, the economy crashed. I found myself responsible for the livelihoods of my employees, the trust of my customers, and the welfare of my family, all as I dealt with this personal struggle in the background. This is not a case study that business schools teach. Throughout it all, my peer group became my backbone. With honesty and vulnerability, they helped me navigate this difficult period and uncover what it meant to lead.

I went on to sell M5, but peer circles have remained central to my life. I am an active member of three different peer groups: the Entrepreneurs’ Organization (EO), Young Presidents’ Organization (YPO), and the Henry Crown Fellowship. Now, as I move on to the next stage in my life, I have started Circles to try to bring the power of peer support to everyone.

Robert Putnam, in his seminal work Bowling Alone, documented, “Without at first noticing, we’ve been pulled apart from our communities and each other over the last third of the century.” Technological innovations over the past ten years have compounded this problem. The Internet is tricking us in two ways. First, we’re connected to more people, but these connections tend to be shallow. Many find it easier to feel satisfaction by ranking up friends and likes, yet it is harder to look up from the screen into someone’s eyes. This tendency is playing out at work, too. Information systems allow us to manage increasingly large and complex hierarchies of people. Video and physical conference rooms are stuffed with collaborators. But people are multitasking, distracted, and recoiling during meetings instead of capturing the magic of being a team. We have never been more connected, yet we have never acted more alone.

Second, more information does not mean more knowledge. Daily, we confront a tsunami of content. Facing our inboxes is like being stuck in a never-ending game of Space Invaders. Updates about our cat’s funny dance somehow seem worth pushing to thousands of friends. We’re marketing to each other, rarely conversing. Our educational system is changing slowly from an industrial and individualistic model, and gaps are widening between the workforce’s skills and the way we need to work.

Much has been written about how these changes show up in the political and economic divides we see play out in the news. But it is harder to put our finger on how the changes impact our homes and offices. There’s some data. Writing in 2014, political commentator David Brooks summarized two studies that showed that American adults reported an average of three close friends in 1985 but only two by 2004. According to the Conference Board, only 52.3% of Americans now like their jobs, down from 61.1% thirty years ago.

The good news is that a few leaders are pouring energy into reversing these trends. What Anyone Can Do is a great first step toward change. Leo Bottary has collected stories of people rejecting the John Wayne go-it-alone approach, taking off their masks, and opening up to one another. They are reclaiming the power of conversation. He’s busting the “lone ranger” myth and shining a light on the personal and professional teams behind these everyday success stories. He’s documenting the stark difference between traditional classrooms that line students up in rows and environments in which structured conversations with peers lead to deep learning. And he’s collected in one place the best practices that make it easy for anyone to reap the rewards of this approach to work and life.

I hope that, by the end of this book, you’ll ask yourself the same question I have been asking with Circles: “Why doesn’t everyone have a peer group?” This question could not only have a profound impact for you on a personal level, it could fundamentally shift the way we all work with and learn from one another.